#### The Coostucky Chronicle
KOTEK TO REPLACE OREGON PIONEER WITH PORTLAND HIPSTER AFTER OFFICIALS DISCOVER STATUE APPEARS EMPLOYABLE
SALEM, OR - Governor Tina Kotek has announced plans to remove the golden Oregon Pioneer from atop the State Capitol after officials discovered the man was carrying an axe, wearing work boots, and appeared dangerously close to doing something productive.
“He represents an outdated Oregon,” explained one administration official. “The man looks like he could change his own tire. We can't have that.”
His replacement, a 23-foot-tall Portland hipster, will sport a man bun, skinny jeans, Birkenstocks, and a $9 oat-milk latte. A reusable grocery bag will contain organic kale, a yoga mat, and several petitions demanding the government stop things that aren't happening.
The new statue will face Portland instead of the frontier, since that's where the orders come from anyway.
The project is expected to cost $14.7 million, plus $6 million to determine whether the coffee cup is culturally appropriate. Another $800,000 has been set aside to study whether the statue's man bun is too masculine.
The original pioneer, who has stood atop the Capitol since 1938 without collecting unemployment, will be shipped to Idaho, where officials have offered him a job, a pickup truck, and a rifle without requiring a psychological evaluation.
Construction is expected to begin after 47 advisory boards sign off, six environmental studies are completed, and a woman from Eugene finishes crying about the statue's beard.
Idaho officials have asked Oregon to please stop sending people.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire from The Coostucky Chronicle. Kotek has announced no such plans. The Oregon Pioneer remains atop the Capitol, presumably wondering what the hell happened to the state beneath him.
Follow The Coostucky Chronicle for more Oregon news that sounds ridiculous enough to be true.
KOTEK TO REPLACE OREGON PIONEER WITH PORTLAND HIPSTER AFTER OFFICIALS DISCOVER STATUE APPEARS EMPLOYABLE
SALEM, OR - Governor Tina Kotek has announced plans to remove the golden Oregon Pioneer from atop the State Capitol after officials discovered the man was carrying an axe, wearing work boots, and appeared dangerously close to doing something productive.
“He represents an outdated Oregon,” explained one administration official. “The man looks like he could change his own tire. We can't have that.”
His replacement, a 23-foot-tall Portland hipster, will sport a man bun, skinny jeans, Birkenstocks, and a $9 oat-milk latte. A reusable grocery bag will contain organic kale, a yoga mat, and several petitions demanding the government stop things that aren't happening.
The new statue will face Portland instead of the frontier, since that's where the orders come from anyway.
The project is expected to cost $14.7 million, plus $6 million to determine whether the coffee cup is culturally appropriate. Another $800,000 has been set aside to study whether the statue's man bun is too masculine.
The original pioneer, who has stood atop the Capitol since 1938 without collecting unemployment, will be shipped to Idaho, where officials have offered him a job, a pickup truck, and a rifle without requiring a psychological evaluation.
Construction is expected to begin after 47 advisory boards sign off, six environmental studies are completed, and a woman from Eugene finishes crying about the statue's beard.
Idaho officials have asked Oregon to please stop sending people.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire from The Coostucky Chronicle. Kotek has announced no such plans. The Oregon Pioneer remains atop the Capitol, presumably wondering what the hell happened to the state beneath him.
Follow The Coostucky Chronicle for more Oregon news that sounds ridiculous enough to be true.
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